Wash

For the sake of Him
I write
I spill
I drill into my brain, to strain the locked thoughts, caged memories, to sift through swift blows and callous shows of pain and desperation


For the sake of Him
I pray
I stay
I fray all my pains into shards of ripened glass, weeping from negligence and piercing my innocence


For the sake of Him
I lift
I drift
I gift my deepest tunnels and gashes to show that your scars from the lashes are not isolated or negated, they are inflated microcosms of wars


For the sake of Him
I am grateful for these waves that made me cave on my stave, that gave me space to remove shame, to break my back and crush my knees, forcing forehead to forgo fleeting feeling of pride, and place it pleasurably on the ground He made us from


There is no sweetness like being broken in front of your Lord. The pain in that moment is worth a thousand years of joy. Deploy that heart, let it stretch to the heavens, and let it come back clean, washed, just like white cloth is washed of its impurities.


"Verily with hardship is ease." [Quran, Surat Ash-Sharh 94, Ayah 6]

Fighting for Strength

I now remember the times
The times when I would write
And I would have the excitement of my mom
Of my sisters
Eagerly waiting to hear something
They will hardly understand
But they listened
And reflected
And squinted their eyes in deep connection
With my words
Be they strong
Soft
Or weak
It didn't matter
Their minds were not restricted
They were not afraid of what they didn't understand
They listened
They responded
They applauded
They supported
And on I flew, and on I floated, and on I grew, and on they promoted
My creativity

now locked in a broken sieve
ideas not even generating
and when after years of tears
one emerges from the depths of an isolated mind
it is shot down
like a deer
without mercy
without thought

i am trying to understand my situation
i am trying to be patient
i am trying to be wise
i am trying to try
but how long can you use your cotton hammer
against a wall of steel
how long can you wait for permanence to change
how much am i supposed to accept
how strong am i
is this considered weak?
am i ungrateful?
am i giving in to satan's whispers?
what am i doing?
i don't know

what I do know
however
is that no matter the hardships
and fogginess
and lack of answers
of clarity
of love
He, He, will always have a better plan
He sees this, Al-Samee'
He knows, Al-'Aleem
He loves me more than I love myself
And so the solution
To all problems,
To mine, to hers, to his
Is to ask of Him
And take steps.
Lack of action is to linger
Don't linger
Lingering feels like death

All power and power to change are for Allah
He can give you even when you are alone
He can give you when you are surrounded by enemies
Trying to break you down
In every way
But if He is your source
That's good news.
Because there is no limit to what He can do.
Allahu Akbaru kabeera. (God is always greater)