For the sake of Him
I write
I spill
I drill into my brain, to strain the locked thoughts, caged memories, to sift through swift blows and callous shows of pain and desperation

For the sake of Him
I pray
I stay
I fray all my pains into shards of ripened glass, weeping from negligence and piercing my innocence

For the sake of Him
I lift
I drift
I gift my deepest tunnels and gashes to show that your scars from the lashes are not isolated or negated, they are inflated microcosms of wars

For the sake of Him
I am grateful for these waves that made me cave on my stave, that gave me space to remove shame, to break my back and crush my knees, forcing forehead to forgo fleeting feeling of pride, and place it pleasurably on the ground He made us from

There is no sweetness like being broken in front of your Lord. The pain in that moment is worth a thousand years of joy. Deploy that heart, let it stretch to the heavens, and let it come back clean, washed, just like white cloth is washed of its impurities.

"Verily with hardship is ease." [Quran, Surat Ash-Sharh 94, Ayah 6]


Fighting for Strength

I now remember the times
The times when I would write
And I would have the excitement of my mom
Of my sisters
Eagerly waiting to hear something
They will hardly understand
But they listened
And reflected
And squinted their eyes in deep connection
With my words
Be they strong
Or weak
It didn't matter
Their minds were not restricted
They were not afraid of what they didn't understand
They listened
They responded
They applauded
They supported
And on I flew, and on I floated, and on I grew, and on they promoted
My creativity

now locked in a broken sieve
ideas not even generating
and when after years of tears
one emerges from the depths of an isolated mind
it is shot down
like a deer
without mercy
without thought

i am trying to understand my situation
i am trying to be patient
i am trying to be wise
i am trying to try
but how long can you use your cotton hammer
against a wall of steel
how long can you wait for permanence to change
how much am i supposed to accept
how strong am i
is this considered weak?
am i ungrateful?
am i giving in to satan's whispers?
what am i doing?
i don't know

what I do know
is that no matter the hardships
and fogginess
and lack of answers
of clarity
of love
He, He, will always have a better plan
He sees this, Al-Samee'
He knows, Al-'Aleem
He loves me more than I love myself
And so the solution
To all problems,
To mine, to hers, to his
Is to ask of Him
And take steps.
Lack of action is to linger
Don't linger
Lingering feels like death

All power and power to change are for Allah
He can give you even when you are alone
He can give you when you are surrounded by enemies
Trying to break you down
In every way
But if He is your source
That's good news.
Because there is no limit to what He can do.
Allahu Akbaru kabeera. (God is always greater)


One For All

You thought her life was perfect
But you didn't see the pain
You didn't see her trudging through the mud
And through the rain

You didn't feel the cobwebs
Formed from isolation
You didn't didn't hear her screams of panic
And desolation

All you saw were happy pictures
Painting endless scenes of serenity
As if parties, laughter, and food shots are
Some sort of remedy

And so you soaked it all in
Without ever considering
That you have never posted a photo
Of your ugly sobbing

You only show the world
The part that makes you look happy
If they tell you "you're life is perfect"
You know they're just wacky

Pray for her, and pray for you
Pray for all of us, to find what is true

When hands go up, they push away burdens
So ask of Him to ease what's hurting

For all


When They Make You Feel Like a Burden

You're stuck between a rock and a hard place. And for some reason everyone who you typically rely on simply can't help you, maybe because they too are going through something. Or maybe they can't handle being around someone who is going through hardship, and so they dip. Or maybe because, according to their tally, you have been asking for help too much. And maybe your source of pain is that no one is standing up for you, to protect and defend you.

Not too long ago, I was enduring severe trials. A very dear friend who knew of my struggle brought me a unique dua book with her from her travels. She promised me that this dua book was very special, and that I was going to love it.

I started reading the duas, and started getting into it, and the more I read, the more the world disappeared and it was just my Lord and my broken self. And then I came across a few lines, and I couldn't get passed them. My tears would not allow me to read them out loud, as I choked on my overflowing emotions. I read them again, through my tears. And again. And again. These lines were:

حَسْبِي اللهُ وَ كَفَى، سَمِعَ اللهُ لِمَن دعا، لَيسَ وَراءَ اللهُ مُنتَهى

Allah is sufficient for me, and He is enough [I don't need anyone/thing else]. Allah hears the person who asks of Him. There is no limit/barrier/end behind Allah.

حَسْبِي اللهُ وَ كَفَى
Allah is sufficient: in every single sense. This encompasses every attribute of our Master. He is the All-Seeing, so when someone belittles your pain because they don't know what you're going through, remember this name. He is All-Hearing, so we don't need to worry if someone twists your words around to get you in trouble at work or to create discord in your family. He is All-Knowing, which means if someone doubts your intentions behind your actions or words, that despite their questioning and lack of trust, He knows. He is the Most Forgiving, so if you wronged someone, and they are holding a grudge against you after you have genuinely tried to make amends and apologized, He is enough for that.

سَمِعَ اللهُ لِمَن دعا
"سَمِعَ" here is not just hearing, but more like "hearing you out." It's more than listening, it implies answering of the prayer, meaning He "heard you out so much" that He is going to answer your dua. He won't misunderstand you, or ignore you, or abandon you. So pray. And ask.

لَيسَ وَراءَ اللهُ مُنتَهى
And with Allah,there is no "مُنتَهى", there is no limit, there is no end to His provisions, there is literally no barrier behind Allah. His Mercy is limitless, and so are His capabilities. So when you pray to Allah, and you say this particular dua, simultaneously remember how many times humans have failed you, how many times people considered you a burden, took you for granted, put you to the side, and even downright ignored you. Allah is capable of taking care of every need you have, without it affecting His bounty even an ounce. You can start understanding this better by listing the things He has already given you. Example: the ability to see, to read this article, and to have a brain that allows you to understand these words. You didn't create your brain, nor did you choose your level of intelligence. So how can the One Who gave this to you without you even asking for it, NOT give you something you did ask for? He will. And there is no limit to what and how much He can give.

Why are these last two lines coupled? They are one invitation. It's as if the message is: Allah will listen to you and give you all you need based on what you say, and don't worry,He can fullfill that promise because there is no limit to His bounty. And bringing in the first line, this is enough for you. So pray, and ask, and keep praying and asking, even when you think you don't need to, or when you feel like you have asked too many times, keep asking, again and again.

Allah will never fail you. He is The only Truth (الحق), and He the Always Living (الحي), and therefore He can never fail you. Just reach out. And depend only on Him.

And when He does answer your prayer, and He certainly will, remember to be grateful to Him by recognizing that He is The Provider (الرزاق).

Oh Allah send Your blessings on our beloved Prophet Mohammad.

[Anything good in this article is from Him, any mistakes are due to my shortcomings.]


The Golden Ax

It was Him.

Negligent and mindless, she insanely continued to attempt to break the stone with her breath. She exhaled from the deepest part of her body, with the intention to destroy this insurmountable impediment. She blew. And nothing.

She blew it.

And nothing happened. And of course nothing happened. But she pursued, and tactlessly strategized to ignore all her needs, to ignore the Golden Ax on the ground behind her, the one she dropped because it was too heavy, and to focus on using her breath on the 100-foot high stone.

Logically, it would never happen. But logic is a luxury for the insane. For the disconnected, for the voluntarily deadened at heart.

The stone only grew. And with it her destructive despair. Losing hope. While no hope can be found in her own breath.

She even tried to get the advice of others. They all gave her tips on how to purse her lips and how to belt it out. No one pointed to the Ax. In fact, some of these others stood with her to blow on the rock. And the rock grew. And it started to shake, to move, slowly rolling towards her, promising a devastating doom.

The rock rolled. Her immobile state remained. And just when the rock began to roll over her outstretched legs, The Help came.

Without a call, without asking, He reminded her of His existence. It was a simple reminder. The Ax lifted itself from the ground and hovered near her hand. The rock stopped. For those who have no connection to Him, it might appear to be too late for her. That she had already lost two limbs. But for those that know, and for her, it was her Awakening.

With broken limbs and a shattered soul, she began to swing ever so slightly at the rock. And her muscles began to kick in. And she made contact. And she tried again, and this time harder. And then she began to hack at the rock. The Ax growing as her faith.

He helped her, despite her negligence.

He answered, without her even asking.

He came close to her, despite her distance.

And she vowed to revive, to replant, to flourish in His love. A love given when undeserved. Given when all else fails. Given when all else is perfect. Given. Given. Given.

There is no "Why me, God?" There is "You chose me, God. Thank you."

الْحَمْدُ لِلَّهِ الَّذِي هَدَانَا لِهَذَا وَمَا كُنَّا لِنَهْتَدِيَ لَوْلا أَنْ هَدَانَا اللَّهُ 
| All praise to Allah, Who has guided us to this. We could not truly have been led aright if Allah had not guided us|

[Al-Araf: 43]



The insistent tide lifts and drowns
Me higher and lower into unknown suffering
I feel the gravity longing for food
As if starved for all of eternity

Heaved and pushed and pulled and scratched
I flail in the wind like a piece of soaked paper

Wretched, lost, alone, and searching
For some clarity in the tensioned fog

I know not what comes after this war
Ease? Danger? Love? Regret?

But what I need above all else
is the serenity that accompanies the legendary hearts of brave women and men who undertake mountainous burdens to uplift and survive. The drive they have is deprived of weakness, meekness and gloom. Soon, I will, soon, I’ll kill, the pain and gain all that was lost. For once, again, the first time, and always, I will be clawing at the surface of the concrete around me, to dig myself out of the cave I am captured in.

And then
I will stop my clawing, and I will rest with the wind, and await its settlement on soft sands that brush against my skin. I will wait for time to bring me my answer, and make me, once again, an unstoppable dancer.


Dear Earth,

You have taught me that you will give me nothing, no matter how much I siphon from your oceans.

You have taught me that love can be removed from a heart like I can remove a weed from the ground.

You have taught me that despite my preparation, I have no control over the tides of calamity.

You have taught me that as much as I can do to counter injustice, the roots of truth can always be soiled.

You have taught me that betrayal is more real than your greenery.

You have taught me that the love of those who are closest to me is as certain as political stability.

You have taught me that living a life disconnected from my Lord is like searching for water in a famined dessert.

You have taught me so much, but I know I have much more to grow.

With Love,
Made From You