Training

It's like God guided me to find him. And when I found him, he left me broken hearted.

I was outside my office building debating whether to take a cab or the train. The train was a risk but the cab would surely get me there in time. I needed to catch the 5:40 train going to Joliet. And I was in a slight panic because I had set the goal that I was going to host FNL, although if I couldn't someone else would take my place.

I decided on the cab. And had I not, I would have never met him. Had I taken the train, he would have been another passerby.

I arrived at the station 10 minutes early, and I needed the restroom. Another debate. I decided I still couldn't risk missing the train. So I walked toward the train, and as I approached the second car, I slowed down for absolutely no reason. I usually walk as if a murderer is chasing me at all times, even when I'm way ahead of schedule.

That's when I heard it, the thump, and I saw him fall to the ground from my peripheral vision. A tall, muscular, clean, good-looking old man on the ground, one foot away from the train that just departed, with one of his crutches spewed across the floor and the other on the tracks below, taunting its owner. Me and three others rushed towards him, missing the train became an afterthought, and FNL became an echo. He wasn't  moving. His face was lifeless, but he was alive. He had thankfully only fallen on the ground, with no injuries from the train's passing. He spit a dark brown liquid from his mouth.  He let his head fall back, as if giving up for a moment. An old lady and an old man tried to help him up. I asked the lady to move aside so I can take her place, then the fourth person said he would help. The man was barely responsive. I asked if he needed help. I asked him if he was bleeding. He said no. The second man who helped him up said he saw him fall before, and that we needed to call an ambulance. He even sounded irritated that this guy wasn't responsive enough to affirm he needed an ambulance. The second man hovered a little while then walked away as the man had both crutches and was wobbling away with the old lady on his side. The first man left to call for help.

I couldn't possibly assume she would stick with him till he found help, so I stood there, unaware what to do, but to keep an eye on him, make sure he didn't topple over again. My train was waiting, and I still had time to board. I didn't check my watch, time was irrelevant.

All that mattered was this man. This man who had no one with him. How did he end up like this? Someone so seemingly privileged, so seemingly healthy, ending up falling twice, with mystery brown liquid coming out of his mouth, with crutches,a backpack and no one to look after him? Would we have helped him had he been a homeless man? Why do we react upon seeing the fall, but not when we only see the handicap that follows?

The old lady walked with him until a Metra train conductor came and said "Sir, do you need some help?" And without hearing a response he said "Follow me. He rushed ahead of him. The old lady left, and the man was left to fend for himself in this walk of treachery that could bring his demise. I jolted to walk with him. I wanted so badly to hug him. To cradle his soul. To ease whatever numbness he felt, whatever pain he felt. I wanted to rid him of his confusion, to replace it with light. I walked with him silently. The first time I asked him if he needed help he said no, and that was in front of lots of people. This time he asked, "Will you help me?" My heart sunk. "Do you need help?" and when he responded is when I wanted to breakdown and cry. He said, with the innocence and helplessness of a lost child, "I think so."

Maybe I should have just said, yes of course I'll help you. But I wanted him to speak, to say something. I asked him again if he was bleeding, he said " I don't know" and my heart officially shattered. This whole time he was wobbling and trying to maintain balance as he tried to increase his speed in walking to catch up to the conductor, racing to salvation. "Did that man tell you to follow him?" He said yeah. So we continued to walk to the waiting room. I opened the door for him. The train conductor had brought a medic of some sort who was being awfully kind."You alright buddy?" The man stayed silent. Come to think of it, I should have asked him if he wanted me to stay with him. I knew they were taking care of him though.

I explained to the medic that someone had seen him fall twice, and that something brown was coming out of his mouth. He said "Thanks sweetie," and I was on my way. With a heavy heart. And a broken one.

I wish there was more I could have done. Beloved to me, a complete stranger, because of his helplessness and his inability to recognize what he needed. SubhanAllah how we take our consciousness for granted. We sin consciously. This man couldn't even take care of himself, couldn't lift himself up, and here we are lifting ourselves up, using our legs with perfect balance, to go places your mother wouldn't approve of, to do things the Prophet pbuh would weep over.

I can't understand the human, nor do I think I ever want to. Thank God for the blessing of ignorance. I pray that I be among those who take advantage of five before five. That I apply the brain which is entirely an undeserved blessing to only do that which is good. May He protect me from loss of function, loss of consciousness, and most I importantly, loss of faith.

9.21.2012