Landfill Mind

 My mind is a giant landfill

Overflowing to an invisible brim that keeps getting higher and higher

The thoughts move faster than the speed of thought and they swish around like they’re trying to find an emergency exit in a rapidly spreading fire

The thoughts are also the fire 

They’re trying to escape themselves?

Topic after topic, trauma follows trauma, self worth plummeting and shame ruling as king 

Doubtful Definitions of past, present, and even future moments all skewing reality 

The butter knife turned sword, the friend turned ward 

It’s all a bit untoward 

A circus of criminals casting their confusing and callous concoctions of conceived conundrums 

Can’t tell truth from imagination

My poor body there to witness it all, my mind screaming: stop!

My tears are the exit point of some of the steam turned liquid 

But alas the tumultuous tumor of trauma and terror remains, although tears turn them to teetering towards tiny tinctures 

Self

Others

Things

Life

Everything in need of calm 

Takes a deep breath, lungs laugh at the attempt to heal, to steal a moment of sanity in the storm that is my mind 

Weathering

I recognize a strength in my soul that I have never had. It is a gift from God. What an immaculate gift to have to be sure of yourself as the world rages its storms around you, and you stand firm planted in the ground, knowing who you are and Who you belong to, and what power you have access to in your Lord, and what wisdom, vision, presence, and love, you have from The Real, The One. Alhamdulillah for these concrete feet foundations that keep me from swaying too far when the tornadoes try to eclipse my hope.

Dear Lord I

It is certain, without a doubt, that there is the deepest, most illuminating guidance in the Book of God. In my world it has been untapped to its full potential. And only just today, in the pit of emotional misery, clawing away at hope, did I find luminous guidance from The One Who planned for me to hear His words in that exact moment, in that exact state of mind, in the horrid situation in which I find myself. It is a gift beyond measure, beyond words, beyond description. I ask my Creator, ya Allah, to allow it to be the spring in my heart, the light in my chest, and the assuager of my pains and fears and sadness. I ask You of Your bounty, to let that Book of Light, be a part of everything I do, everything I say, the way I act, and feel, and treat others. The way I process. I ask You oh Lord, for Your love, for the love of those You love, and for the love of actions that bring me closer to Your love. Alhamdulillah. Ameen.

My Story

 I threw out my back. And now I can't take care of my kids. But this story doesn't start with me trying to pick some shelves to place into the new bookcase I had just built. This story goes back to, well, I'm not sure. Not because throwing out my back messed with my memory, but because there isn't a particular moment when you can point out a specific blessing that started my story. It is infinitesimal. If we were to try to count His blessings, we would be unable to. Point blank.

So my story goes back to whenever Allah wants it to go back. What I do know is that the blessings I had and have are so numerous, there is no room for anger in this moment of painful weakness. As if we aren't always weak and in total need of Him, hah! We are always equally in need of Allah. That's why we say "nasta3een" in fatiha in our prayers every single day. Because we are in constant need of Him, and at every level and every scale. And He constantly gives us blessings, alhamdulillah.

Dearest One

I'd love to write a love letter to my Most beloved. I'd love to sing His praises as the words echo in the magnanimous mountains that He designed and ordered into existence. I'd love to revel in His light, one day, with His will. 

I love to love Him. The actual OG, i.e. The First. How incredible, astounding, unfathomable is His existence, His beauty, His power? 

If He were impatient, He would have snatched me a long time ago for all the sins I drown myself in, the ones I struggle with and the ones I don't work hard enough to ward off. How forgiving and patient is He? The Most! 

Can we just touch upon the fact that He exists despite all. Nothing harms Him or benefits Him. Nothing can compare to that. 

Not to mention how many prayers He has made me witness the answer to. I cannot imagine what He has in store for the answers I didn't recognize. 

It's the leeway for me. For real, like how many more chances will He give me? How many times will He allow me to live long enough to beg His forgiveness, when I even remember to ask for it, or when I even recognize my sins?

How great is He. Literal Lord of the worlds, not just earth. On top of all of this, He chose to honor us? 

{ وَلَقَدْ كَرَّمْنَا بَنِي آدَمَ وَحَمَلْنَاهُمْ فِي الْبَرِّ وَالْبَحْرِ وَرَزَقْنَاهُم مِّنَ الطَّيِّبَاتِ وَفَضَّلْنَاهُمْ عَلَىٰ كَثِيرٍ مِّمَّنْ خَلَقْنَا تَفْضِيلًا }

"Indeed, We have honored the children of Adam, carried them on land and sea, granted them good and lawful provisions, and privileged them far above many of Our creatures."

(Al-Israa:70)

Why? Why us? The angels even asked this question. Well, because He wanted to. He knows what we don't know. Alhamdullillah for having been created by Him, for Him, and that we will all go back to Him. 

You Are Not A Lone

 You are not alone. 

You are not the only one carrying those feelings, carrying that trauma, that pain. You are not the only one who tries to suppress the memories that have clouded your sunshine. You are not alone in seeking happiness, accompanied by that sadness. You are not alone in seeking happiness despite the grief. You are not the only one feeling lost in the gloom of the world's unceasing horrific aggressions, a creation turned on itself with a vengeance. 

Your anything isn't more embarrassing, nor is it the least important. You are worthy, not worthless, no matter who agrees with this statement. You are a work of The Divine, how can you not be precious? He could have easily chose not to have you in existence, but you are here. You are wanted. You are needed.

As for how you're feeling

It isn't so unique 

that it makes you a freak 

and it isn't exactly the same 

which means you're not just another sheep.

Your not a fraud, you mean well, for yourself and others. Don't be ashamed of your inners. The ones you don't like don't define you. They are your passage to breaking the walls towards a higher growth. 

Unyielding Love

It's the betrayal

It's the portrayal

Of me as a villain

With none of them willing

To save this unit from implosion

Devotion

To building

Unyielding love

Searching in the past

To see into the future

Things I could cast

I'm feeling so alone

So unlike myself

I reach into the past

To find an old piece of me