My Story

 I threw out my back. And now I can't take care of my kids. But this story doesn't start with me trying to pick some shelves to place into the new bookcase I had just built. This story goes back to, well, I'm not sure. Not because throwing out my back messed with my memory, but because there isn't a particular moment when you can point out a specific blessing that started my story. It is infinitesimal. If we were to try to count His blessings, we would be unable to. Point blank.

So my story goes back to whenever Allah wants it to go back. What I do know is that the blessings I had and have are so numerous, there is no room for anger in this moment of painful weakness. As if we aren't always weak and in total need of Him, hah! We are always equally in need of Allah. That's why we say "nasta3een" in fatiha in our prayers every single day. Because we are in constant need of Him, and at every level and every scale. And He constantly gives us blessings, alhamdulillah.

Dearest One

I'd love to write a love letter to my Most beloved. I'd love to sing His praises as the words echo in the magnanimous mountains that He designed and ordered into existence. I'd love to revel in His light, one day, with His will. 

I love to love Him. The actual OG, i.e. The First. How incredible, astounding, unfathomable is His existence, His beauty, His power? 

If He were impatient, He would have snatched me a long time ago for all the sins I drown myself in, the ones I struggle with and the ones I don't work hard enough to ward off. How forgiving and patient is He? The Most! 

Can we just touch upon the fact that He exists despite all. Nothing harms Him or benefits Him. Nothing can compare to that. 

Not to mention how many prayers He has made me witness the answer to. I cannot imagine what He has in store for the answers I didn't recognize. 

It's the leeway for me. For real, like how many more chances will He give me? How many times will He allow me to live long enough to beg His forgiveness, when I even remember to ask for it, or when I even recognize my sins?

How great is He. Literal Lord of the worlds, not just earth. On top of all of this, He chose to honor us? 

{ وَلَقَدْ كَرَّمْنَا بَنِي آدَمَ وَحَمَلْنَاهُمْ فِي الْبَرِّ وَالْبَحْرِ وَرَزَقْنَاهُم مِّنَ الطَّيِّبَاتِ وَفَضَّلْنَاهُمْ عَلَىٰ كَثِيرٍ مِّمَّنْ خَلَقْنَا تَفْضِيلًا }

"Indeed, We have honored the children of Adam, carried them on land and sea, granted them good and lawful provisions, and privileged them far above many of Our creatures."

(Al-Israa:70)

Why? Why us? The angels even asked this question. Well, because He wanted to. He knows what we don't know. Alhamdullillah for having been created by Him, for Him, and that we will all go back to Him. 

You Are Not A Lone

 You are not alone. 

You are not the only one carrying those feelings, carrying that trauma, that pain. You are not the only one who tries to suppress the memories that have clouded your sunshine. You are not alone in seeking happiness, accompanied by that sadness. You are not alone in seeking happiness despite the grief. You are not the only one feeling lost in the gloom of the world's unceasing horrific aggressions, a creation turned on itself with a vengeance. 

Your anything isn't more embarrassing, nor is it the least important. You are worthy, not worthless, no matter who agrees with this statement. You are a work of The Divine, how can you not be precious? He could have easily chose not to have you in existence, but you are here. You are wanted. You are needed.

As for how you're feeling

It isn't so unique 

that it makes you a freak 

and it isn't exactly the same 

which means you're not just another sheep.

Your not a fraud, you mean well, for yourself and others. Don't be ashamed of your inners. The ones you don't like don't define you. They are your passage to breaking the walls towards a higher growth. 

Unyielding Love

It's the betrayal

It's the portrayal

Of me as a villain

With none of them willing

To save this unit from implosion

Devotion

To building

Unyielding love

Searching in the past

To see into the future

Things I could cast

I'm feeling so alone

So unlike myself

I reach into the past

To find an old piece of me